i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
