I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize