I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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