Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
