New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize