I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
