the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
