i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
