accomplished twins. life is a go
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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