I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
