Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
