I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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