Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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