She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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