I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
