We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
