Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize