she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
