my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
