I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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