Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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