I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
