my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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