peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
