i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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