At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He better not be in your backpack
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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