My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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