i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize