2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
