Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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