Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize