I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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