im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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