I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
