Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
