My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
