Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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