It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
