Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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