Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My breasts were aching with rage.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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