I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
