At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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