what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
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