I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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