last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
