i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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