Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
