Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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