Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
