Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
