We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
