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so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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