He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
