when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
