I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
