Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
