I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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