We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can I color on your dick again?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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