I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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