Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
