Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
